ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
