God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
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I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
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I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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