They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
