Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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