not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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