I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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