Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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