I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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