I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
