Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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