HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You've changed since you got that strap on
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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