At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
