He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
