I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
this is an emotional support booty call
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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