did you get engaged???
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
