worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
