this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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