There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
