you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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