i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
