Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
