The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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