i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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