I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
