Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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