You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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