YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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