i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
