I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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