I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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