I wish I could punch you in the face.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
