im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
