how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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