i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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