He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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