he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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