Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
