I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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