If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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