just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.