woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
