I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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