i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
