Well douche your snatch and let's go!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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