So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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