The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
