I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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