oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
