So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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