She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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