I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
