someone threw a dead crab at me
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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