I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
