i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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