Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
