I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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