Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
