btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
