it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
