She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
