proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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