I cannot find my penis.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
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Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
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She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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